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28th March 2011
Getting lazy at this. I got to shake a leg. Anyway, here I am again. Where to start? The People’s Pledge is as good a place as any. Now I’m not normally one for campaign’s or canvassing people for any particular cause etc, but this is a great idea and something worth supporting. Fundamentally, The People’s Pledge is a new campaign to secure a public referendum on Britain’s relationship with the European Union. Given that the EU costs this Country upward of £100 Billion a year (a rough guess I admit) and makes most of the decisions for us these days I think its high time we had our say. So get on board!
Moving on…Libya rages on as I write. I read a very good piece by Tony Parsons in the Mirror the other day who made some very valid points regarding the cost of dropping each bomb versus the cost of looking after our own people here. The piece was brilliantly titled ‘If Cameron had to send his kids to War we’d all live in peace’. I nodded ferociously in agreement at his words (everyone else in the Barber’s shop thought I was loopy), it is true to say that Britain still throws itself around the World Playground trying to Police it, but its pockets are empty, and every bomb dropped is an insult to those suffering in ‘Austerity Britain’. Still, Cameron’s got his War…I now await his retirement and his Memoirs.
Have we lost our Census?....
I looked at the big envelope on the kitchen worktop this morning. I checked the date, and of course it is the 28th March today, the day after it should have been completed, but I believe I still have time to complete it. However I don’t know if I want to. From what I hear a lot of the questions are extremely intrusive and I don’t see what bloody business it is of anyone’s at all. But of course if I don’t complete it I could be in trouble, despite the fact I have issues with it, such as the amount of money spent on producing it (£482M apparently). Another example of how this Country has got its priorities well and truly arse about face. The first UK census (1801) was so basic as were the next few Census’. It was basically a headcount. But not now, I mean what relevance is it whether I have a visitor to the house on the 27th March and whether they will be staying the night? I can see any justification for that question at all.
On a lighter note I watched the Boat Race Saturday and lost a quid in a pub bet after being told Cambridge were odd’s on favourites. I hear that there was also a Cambridge V Oxford Goat Race, and a Stoat Race also. Whatever next? Cambridge V Oxford Coat race (all dressed in heavy winter coats), Moat Race (I don’t know if they’d get their boats around the bends though), Vote Race (place a Ballot box at the finishing line maybe??)…Sorry…tired
And finally – Dancing…..On……Ice……what a crock of horse manure. Much like knitting was for Vlad The Impaler, it’s not for me. I was forced (oh yes…forced!) to endure the final. I watched in puzzlement at Richard and Judy’s Daughter Chloe Madeley…maybe I missed the point here but I didnt see her do too much skating, she was basically carried around the rink and occasionally dropped for a second or two of skating….is it me?!!..well??!...is t??!!..mm??!!..mm??!!
Ciao
The Approval Junkie
14th March 2011
dis•pos•a•ble
dɪˈspoʊ zə bəlShow Spelled[dih-spoh-zuh-buh l] Show IPA
–adjective
1.
designed for or capable of being thrown away after being used or used up: disposable plastic spoons; a disposable cigarette lighter.
2.
free for use; available: Every disposable vehicle was sent.
–noun
3.
something disposable after a single use, as a paper cup, plate, or napkin.
________________________________________
Origin:
1645–55; dispose + -able
—Related forms
dis•pos•a•bil•i•ty, dis•pos•a•ble•ness, noun
dis•pos•a•bly, adverb
non•dis•pos•a•ble, adjective
That’s some word is that. One which sadly applies to much of our modern world. How our Forefathers must wince at our refusal to bother a TV repair man when it breaks down. No, we just chuck the broken one away and get another. Broken washing machines or microwaves’s?..cheaper to get another one. But for me it’s equally prominent in Music. The way we listen to Music has changed vastly in recent times. A friend of mine recently commented that he couldn’t remember the last time he was really looking forward to the release of a new album by one of his favourite bands. Being the opinionated gobshite I am, I offered a theory. It’s simply that Music is so easy to get now, and the way we listen to music has changed so much.. Just a few clicks and there it is, on your phone, your iPod, or your computer. You can then download it, listen to it, take it to lunch, to the gym, or for a train ride etc. But I don’t think it started there. When CD replaced Vinyl something got lost on the way. Vinyl-heads will probably agree that there was no feeling like holding that album, gently placing it on the turntable, dropping the stylus onto the grooves, and then reading the sleeve-notes as it played. You came to know each song by its title. Now you stick a CD on, listen to it, and then tell your mates how ‘Track 3 is a great song but Track 11 is the best!’ All song identity has gone. Is it also a coincidence that the demise of Top of the Pops paralleled the rise in Music Downloads? Of course not! And now new bands lob huge chunks of their newest product at us in free Newspaper giveaways. They have to if they want to compete. The addition of downloads to the UK charts has made it more difficult to sell such low amounts overall. This has meant that it is possible for a song to reach number 1 without any physical sales. The was first achieved in 2006 by Gnarls Barkley with that great tune ‘Crazy’, which just about sums it up really.
***Sigh***….I miss my vinyl…..
Staying on the subject of music, I have a couple of Guitars in my living room, each facing the other in opposite corners of the room. And I couldn’t help but notice how much dust they had accumulated…and I felt a twinge of guilt…The Music may be taking me soon…
Talking of which…Happy Birthday to Musicians Johan Strauss (this day 1804) and Quincy Jones (this day 1933). Also Happy Birthday to Sir Michael Caine (this day 1933 – not a lot of people know that).
I found this story in the ether today – this is true apparently.
In New York a Condom Maker truly believes in the maxim ‘Sex Sells’. A new line of Condom has been created with advertising on the packet and the Condom itself. The manufacturer’s new picture Condoms adhere to all necessary requirements, and it claims they're the first to feature full-color images on the latex. The first product will be a Condom branded with the Rock band Kiss that shows Gene Simmons' tongue unfurled. Adam Glickman (CEO for Condomania) says the creators are in talks with entertainment companies, energy drinks and designers to put logos and messages on the condoms.
I can’t help but raise the issue of ‘Product Placement’ at this point??
Ah well….kettles boiling…where’s my choccy biccies?
Until the next time…
The Approval Junkie
4th March 2011
That’s February off the calendar then! I didn’t rate it that much anyway. Well it’s been a bit of a week for Sport, or should I say controversy in Sport, what with Rooney, Cole, and Smalling all making the papers for the wrong reasons. It’s has become quite laughable now, in fact it’s beyond laughable. These people clearly don’t give a f*** about anything but themselves (yes, I know I swore, I’m sorry but I feel that strongly about it). It amazes me that if what we read is true, then a person who is meant to be a Sporting Role model, playing for one of the biggest football clubs in the world, can shoot (that’s right..shoot!) somebody, not have to even apologise for it, and get fined £250,000 (that’s a quarter of a million pounds! – a couple of weeks wages for him) and his Manager seems to think that’s enough punishment. Whether he was playing around with what he thought was an unloaded air rifle is not the issue. IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THERE!!! Yet further proof that these people clearly think they are above the law (and to be frank it sadly looks very much like they are!). As a football fan it sullies the game for me. But then this story won’t be the last of its sort. It’s so sad to see what it’s become. Oh well….
What else has been in the news then?...ooo Libya! Now, he’s not a popular man that Gadaffi is he? It concerns me some mind. I appreciate the fact that all is not well there, and I dont want to make light of it,but what worries me is Mr Cameron’s comments about helping out with the Military. Haven’t we got enough on our plate what with Afghanistan, and the fact that the Air Force, Navy and Army are making redundancies left right and centre?. On the other hand I realise that the Libyan people need help too. But if we got involved would we be overstretching ourselves as a Miltary entity? It makes you wonder what defence we would have here if someone decided to pull up at Dover with a load of warships, one eye on moving into the UK. Anyone know exactly what sort of fight we could put up? I believe the Warmington Home Guard have been disbanded now?
I finally got dumped by my Doctor this week. Suffering from Hypertension as I do, I have to go for an annual check-up of my Blood Pressure. Now being a typical bloke I’d rather eat my own arm than go and see the Doctor. I believe once they have got their claws into you that’s it, and that they won’t be happy until you are in a hospital bed with them looking over you saying ‘see!..I said you were ill didn’t I?!’. So naturally, when I get the annual reminder I try and ignore it to the point that the Doctors starts refusing to give me my medication unless I go. Then this week a letter from the Doctor arrives. It very politely informs me that my check-up is due, and would I kindly use the Blood Pressure machine situated in their waiting room at the surgery. I was to take my own Blood Pressure three times and leave the readings with the Receptionist. Now, given my hatred of the Doctors Couch, you would think I was happy with this letter, but no…now I feel let down by the Health Service, I feel like I am not wanted anymore, and if I read between the lines of that letter it really says ‘we can’t be bothered anymore, we never liked you anyway, don’t come to us unless you have collapsed outside the building’. You’ve no idea how wounding that was!.
Moving on..
Where would we be without this man, Alexander Graham Bell born this week in 1847 (3rd March). Inventor of the Telephone, I wonder what network he was on when he did it? More importantly, who invented the Telephone bill..mm??!!..mm??!!..mm??!! Can anyone tell me?....£95 this month! Someone’s having a laugh somewhere!
This week in 1987 also saw the first edition of the French and Saunders show, broadcast by the BBC. Pity they left it such a long time before the last one was broadcast! Still, not as bad as The Brittas Empire..now that was bad.
Finally….
Overheard at the bar ...
If heat rises then heaven might be hotter than hell”
“24 hour banking?...I don’t have time for that!”
And my favourite of the week…this guy says to his mate ‘I was up all night playing poker with Tarot cards – I got a full house and four people died’..
…it’s true!
Yours
The Approval Junkie
28th February 2011
Greetings . Well, it’s been a while. I could say I have been busy (it’s no lie I have to say), but regular daily Blog updates have been last on my agenda of late. Take yesterday for example – Spent the day at home, ‘pottering’ as it’s known. Apparently it’s good to have a nice ‘potter’ on a Sunday, beats me why Sunday is alright for ‘pottering’…still I guess Saturday night is alright for fighting as someone once sang. It was suggested that I might find a spell on the ‘potter’ front rewarding. So I heeded the advice, after some coffee and cigarettes I decided to ‘re-format’ my old Laptop (I wish I knew what that meant – sounds positively disgusting), uploaded some photographs onto the old FB, and then decided to install the new Broadband Modem I had kindly been sent (after many phone calls and e-mails) by my ISP (that means Internet Service Provider apparently – I found out from Acronyms.co.uk). As ‘pottering’ goes, it was an ok experience, and one I can foresee me indulging in to greater levels in the future…but I don’t know if it’s right for me at the moment. It needs better definition. I mean at what point does ‘pottering’ become ‘gardening’, or ‘decorating’, or ‘cooking’?...or are they indeed one and the same thing? It’s all a bit of a mystery to me.
Read an interesting piece on the Amazon Kindle today (see below link). The device is a portable e-book Reader. A device which allows you to buy electronic books cheaply and download them and store them (for posterity I guess). It’s all very 21st Century and all that, but I have a problem with it. I mean, books belong on shelves, a book isn’t something to be kept in this format. There is no greater pleasure than lifting up a book, reading the blurb on the back and flicking through the pages, especially so with second-hand books. My Wife of course thinks it’s a great idea, and the sooner I get one the quicker she can have her cupboard space back. But it just goes against the grain. I have to concede however, it is looking like the way forward.
Later,
The Attention Junkie
18th February 2011
Gout –noun
"an acute, recurrent disease characterized by painful inflammation of the joints, chiefly those in the feet and hands, and especially in the great toe, and by an excess of uric acid in the blood"
Oh yeah, and I am suffering it today. Just came on within an hour of being sat at my desk. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. I just cannot explain the pain, but I am not alone. Apparently Henry VIII suffered badly, as did Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, Poet Laureate Alfred Lord Tennyson, and my mate Keith from Preston. It can be quite a debilitating thing, so much so that Roman Emperor Charles V was unable to lead his army into battle at Metz in France due to a severe attack of Gout. How do I know all this? T’interweb again obviously. Still, there’s me feeling sorry for myself as I walked into the Office, and some Emperor bloke couldn’t muster an Army because of it. In days of old it was thought that the affliction was caused by droplets of a corrupted humour seeping into ones blood…that could be closer to the truth than I care to admit.
Car Hire…now there’s a thing. A pretty straight forward process one would surmise. You need a Car, the Car Hire Company has a Car for you, you pay for it, and they let you drive it. It couldn’t be simpler could it? Or so I thought. You see, I thought I would continue my use of this wonderful thing called technology and book my Car ‘on-line’ as the kids say. But there were so many sites to choose from. I finally settled on ‘Even Lower than Low Price Cars.co.uk’. It looked ok. I input my dates for collection and return of the vehicle, pick up locations, and confirmed my age etc…I clicked on the ‘Get Quote’ button and waited. And then it gave me the quotes dependent on type of vehicle required. It seemed to me that ‘Even Lower than Low Price Cars.co.uk’ weren’t quite as low as I expected! So I made the cardinal mistake of ringing the Contact number at the top of the web page. I went through the usual charade of pressing ‘1’ for this and ‘2’ for that and ‘3 if you need a large scotch and a Thai massage whilst you wait’. Finally I got through. I confirmed all my details again, whereupon I was quoted a lower price. It seemed good, so I accepted the quote, only to be told they couldn’t proceed with the booking as their Systems had ‘gone down’, and could I ring back later? I think I am cursed with this kind of thing (see Blog 24th January 2011). I could always walk I suppose.
Moving on (or should I say ‘limping on?)….
Can you dig it?
Further proof of Japanese wackiness! Over 1,000 avid Hole Digging (that’s right…hole digging!) fans descended on a camping site on the outskirts of Tokyo on Sunday. More than 200 teams competed in the Japan All-National Hole Digging Competition. The prize??..the much coveted ‘Golden Shovel’ award. Most of the teams taking part in the event were made up of professional hole-diggers, such as road maintenance crews and gas company employees. The Competitors were given thirty minutes to dig as deep a hole as possible. Extra points were awarded for creativity, and the most original costume worn by the diggers. Now I know I have had to dig myself out of some deep holes over the years, but this takes the proverbial biscuit!
Out of my skull?
Scientists say that ancient Britons may have found drink going to their heads, after uncovering human skulls that were used as drinking cups. It is thought that they were used in some kind of ritual. The artefacts are almost 15,000 years old and were discovered in Somerset. Maybe that’s where the saying ‘drunk out of my mind’ came from?
And finally, it seems that Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni may release a Rap album. The 67 year old recently performed a Rap Track which became a huge hit on Uganda’s Radio Stations and in it's Nightclubs. With an upcoming Election looming the leader, nicknamed ‘M7’, threatened the possibility of an album of Rap Classics after the Elections. Now then, could this be the way forward in the World of Politics? Could we see the reformation of the Milliband Brothers performing covers of the covers made popular (or not) by Jedward? Could Nick Clegg and David Cameron collaborate beyond Politics and into the realms of Trip Hop and Trance? Even Better...instead of Elections maybe we could have a Political X Factor competition?? Viewers get to vote for their favourite all singing and dancing Politician??!! I can see it now....Simon Cowell looking at Nick Clegg or Ed Milliband...'Nick...that was total rubbish...I appreciated the dance routine but your Policies on Europe are absolute tripe...I am sending you home'....It could be the way forward......it couldnt be any worse.
Yours in pain...
The Attention Junkie
14th February 2011
And so we celebrate St Valentines Day, a time when love and affection are shared among intimate companions…and pound notes are shared by the florists of the world as they unite as one and royally rip everyone off. Bit cynical I suppose, anyway, it’s been a manic few days involving all sorts of shenanigans, including losing £100 at an airport (put that down to my own stupidity), driving around Lough Neagh in Northern Ireland in the rain (and yes, I was lost and couldn’t see the water for the rain hitting my windscreen), and debating whose turn it was to get served next with an American guy at a bar (I lost that one too!). Today I have decided to unveil a bit of my Book in this forum. It can be found on the Sample Chapters page. Please give it a go...
Love and peace...
7th February 2011
A sad day for Music fans as the untimely death of Blues/Rock guitarist Gary Moore was announced this morning. I was a huge fan of the Belfast Boy. His work with Thin Lizzy,and more so his Solo work witnessed some stunning Guitar playing. He will be sadly missed. On a lighter note I been feeling a bit Musical of late and recently caught up with some former Band mates (thanks to the wonders of Facebook) from back in the day. I have now been asked to locate any old Band photos and make them public on FB. I really dont think its a good idea myself! That aside, it was nice to catch up, and as a result, I started a long trip down memory lane. After I had walked about half a mile down it I realised I had enough material for a book, but then I realised some of the subject matter might be considered 'sick' to some, and that the innocent (and guilty) needed protecting.
The train was a joy today...I could go on but I have found that my Transport Rants are not good for my blood pressure, much like the Champagne and Malt Whisky I was drinking yesterday!
And now some crazy words from our Sponsor


Moving on, this day in 1935 saw the invention of the board game Monopoly. Personally I think its wrong that only one Company are allowed to make the game. I like this next one!
On this day in 1999, upon hearing of the death of King Hussein of Jordan, singer Mariah Carey told CNN reporters: 'I'm inconsolable at the present time. I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again'.
Happy Birthday to Eddie Izzard, Charles Dickens and Garth Brooks (is he the Country & Western singer or the footballer? - no...I'm sure that's Garth Crooks...I think?).
Finally, in keeping with my Musical muse, here is a song...it's an instrumental number called Night Train. I hope you enjoy it
The Approval Junkie
1st February 2011
Well that's the first of this year’s twelve months done and dusted. Can someone slow the clock down or remove its batteries please?! It’s been a few days since the last Blog, but then I have been busy wheeling and dealing in the Transfer Market, although I couldn’t offload Andy Gray anywhere. Seems even Cbeebies weren’t interested. He might have to go on a free transfer, but I don’t know where to send him, although it seems most people want to send him to Coventry. I always wondered where that saying came from, so today I thought I’d get the lowdown on it. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth I discovered that Oliver Cromwell apparently sent a group of Royalist soldiers to be imprisoned in Coventry somewhere around 1648 (these were proper prisons I guess...no Xbox games, TV's, DVD's, Pool Tables,Mobile Phones etc etc). Because it was a walled city, Coventry also had a cathedral with a monastery and supported Parliament during the English civil war. The locals, who were parliamentary supporters and/or monks, shunned them and refused to consort with them. Also, the monks had a vow of silence that stopped them from talking (methinks that vow of silence should be compulsory for some people). A lot of this is supposition but what is known for sure is that during the civil war Coventry was a prison and had a large monk and nun population, even today the church owns 80% of the land that is within the boundaries of Coventry's old walls (I'm boring myself with this now).
I had some feedback on the book I am ‘trying’ to write yesterday, and it was promising. I had the first chapter assessed professionally and they were very complimentary although they tore apart some of the dialogue (grammar wise). But that’s fine, at least I know where to go with it now (I think?).
Staying on a literary note, the first volume of the Oxford English Dictionary was published this day in 1884, the Times published its first crossword in 1930, and the creator of Frankenstein, Mary Shelley, died this day in 1851. Funny, when I think of the creation of a Frankenstein I can’t help but return to the Andy Gray-Richard Keys story. This leads nicely to the fact that Women were allowed on London's Stock Exchange floor for the first time this day in 1973. Cue inappropriate jokes about knowing the ‘Off Order Book Trading Rules’…or maybe not!
Later
The Attention Junkie
28th January 2011
…In which our feckless hero…fends off some haggis, continues his grumpiness regarding bad customer service, and narrowly escapes eviction form his hotel.
It was meant to be a few beers and a meal out..that’s all. What could be simpler? We entered a pub called The Dog Inn (and if I hear any more jokes about dogging at the Dog Inn!!..). But there was something strange about the place, it was festooned (good word) in Scottish Flags. ‘But we’re in Lancashire’ I howled!’ And then we discovered they were celebrating Burns night (two days too late as it happens). I grinned as some of the local Patriots chucked their hard earned money into the jukebox picking anything with an English overtone. There followed ‘There’ll always be an England’, the theme from the Dambusters, and of course the ‘Three Lions’ footy song. I couldn’t help but feel there was another Battle of Bannockburn coming on. Then the men in skirts appeared. Dressed in full regalia, they looked very impressive I have to say. Drinks flowed, there was Haggis everywhere, I ducked swiftly out of that one, and gave the ‘neeps’ and ‘tatties’ a miss too. I headed outside for a cigarette when I espied my colleague and friend (who hails from Glasgow) talking to one of the band members. It turns out the guy was from Yorkshire, and in fact none of the band were Scottish. Some minutes later we were all back in the pub enjoying the pipes playing such classics as ‘Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag’ and many other ‘Not Scottish, but in fact English’ tunes on their bagpipes. Strange wasn’t the word! Sometime later we found ourselves back at the Hotel. The Bar was unattended (a very dangerous situation indeed). Now before I go on to what happened next I must explain that this particular hotel wasn’t the best. The rooms were out of this world, but the service at the Bar and the food were third rate. So there we were, three inebriated guys, calling for service. No one came. Then the inevitable happened. One of our party decided to go help himself behind the Bar to a couple of bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka. The second member of our troop decided to join in. Being the honest law abiding person I am (ahem!), I stayed well out of it all. And then the Bar Manager turned up and caught them in the act. To say he was mightily pissed off would be putting it mildly. He begrudgingly served us a drink each…and then locked all the doors on the booze up with padlocks and left.
Pic: A heavily padlocked Lancashire Hotel Bar - Drinks denied!!!!

As I say, it was only meant to be a quiet night out…. I got the cold shoulder from the Receptionist when I checked out this morning too…I wonder why?
Yours
The ‘Wine Seeking’ Attention Junkie
27th January 2011
It’s Thursday; and we’re almost there. I have to say it’s nice to see the mornings and evenings getting a little lighter. Yesterday was particularly nice, or at least the start of it was. The sun was rising above the trees, I waited for a taxi. It was 7.15am. As I lit up my first cigarette of the day the taxi arrived. I knew the Driver, he had picked me up several times before. I felt safe with him behind the wheel. However, unknown to me, that old sense of false security had opened the door and was inviting me in. We were driving down the road when the Driver suggested a short cut. I had no objections, so we took a back road and proceed to climb a large hill. When we got to the top the view was amazing. Here we were on this Lancashire Moor, as Pete Townshend once wrote, ‘I could see for miles and miles and miles. The Driver told me that if I looked in the distance to my right I could see Blackpool. Unfortunately my specs were in my bag so I just took his word for it. And then he put his foot down. We started tearing across the top of the Moors, around bends, up and down dips. I gripped onto the seat and proffered a quiet grin. Inside the panic was building. And then the driver came out with the one thing you don’t want to hear when you are speeding around the hilltops at dawn…he proclaimed, ’I used to go joy-riding around here when I was younger!’ As he said this he turned to me. I swear his eyes lit up bright red, he cackled as if evil itself was powering the ride, red smoke poured from the back of the car! I waited for him to Morph into the devil! I wondered if my Life insurance was valid in the event of me being kidnapped by Satan in a 15 year old Vauxhall Astra with missing hubcaps. I finally arrived at my destination, the handbrake turn indicated so…I checked my pants, pulled out some cash, and paid the man…I figured I might take a bus next time.
And so to the ‘Gray-Keys-Gate’ scandal. Everyone seems to be in a bit of a tizz don’t they!? I can see both sides I suppose. You can argue that they thought they were having a private conversation at the time, but then other stories have come to light since. You would like to think that this kind of ‘Boot Room’ humour had disappeared long ago. I think it’s fair to say more women watch football on TV or go to games than ever. I would hate to think this scandal has deterred any of them. The Press has been a bit hypocritical too, accusing Gray of being a pervert and then putting topless women on the inside pages. But we must remember that those pages will house tomorrow’s fish and chips as they say, and next week will be someone else’s turn. The main point is that the events of last Sunday have left one question unanswered, one burning issue left to question…has King Kenny Dalglish finally got the Liverpool team to turn the corner??
Happy Anniversary to Deirdre and Ken of Coronation Street, Weatherfield. Married this day in 1981…what do you mean it’s not real?
And a special thanks to John Logie Baird who gave his first public demonstration of television on this day in 1926. If it wasn’t for that I would never have got to see Deirdre and Ken’s big day. Which bizarrely leads me onto the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (a trivia game based on the small world phenomenon).
• Now Deirdre Barlow had a daughter called Tracy
• Tracy had a baby with Steve McDonald
• Steve McDonald owns a Taxi firm which runs taxis (obviously)
• A taxi picked me up today
• The driver stopped off at Kevins Café
• Where I had a Bacon Barm Cake
…I think that works…yeah, it does….doesn’t it?
The Attention Junkie
24th January 2011
...in which our intrepid hero fights fire with fire and gains revenge over the Trolley Man of Carriage C (See 18th Jan Blog) and tries to buy a Country and Western CD box set via the phone at 4.35 on a Sunday morning.
Always be prepared, the Boy Scouts motto taught us that (although I never joined myself – I found the woggle somewhat disconcerting). Well today I was prepared. After last weeks initial skirmish with the Trolley Man, I was out for revenge. The train carriage was empty, it was around 5.45am, perfect..it was gonna be just me and him. A couple of vultures flew overhead through the carriage and the tumbleweed blew down the aisle as The Trolley Man rode into town. I decided to get up and face him off. There was some 20 feet between us. He stopped in his tracks…we stared at each for a good few seconds or so. I could hear an Ennio Morocone soundtrack playing in the background. Then he asked me what I wanted….I told him I was here to get 'The Bottle of Diet Coke', the one I wanted but was denied last week, and I told him that I knew he had 'The Bottle of Diet Coke', oh yeah...I KNEW!, and I was here to collect. As he went to ask for the £1.60, I drew the 10p coins from my hip, all 16 of them. I started skimming them through the air at him. As the first one struck his hand the bottle of coke came flying through the air to me. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, I threw more at him. He managed to throw a plastic cup at me just before the tenth coin caught him on the forehead, he was now reeling backwards. I threw the last six 10p pieces at him, which left him pinned to the door frame, as if he had been the victim of a knife thrower…and all he could mutter back was…’would you like a receipt for that?’. I took my moment, I opened the bottle and slowly sipped it; I then told him 'I'd be back!' A big victory for Commuters everywhere. Tune in for more next week when I take on the Crewe Express Stazi Ticket Inspectors(I won't forget what happened last Friday!).
Saturday Night was a quiet one, so we naturally woke early Sunday morning…it was 4am in fact! The TV went on, and there it was…one of these long TV Ad’s for a product you couldn’t get in the shops or online. It was a 'Superstars of Country' Music CD Box set. Now, I don’t mind the odd bit of C&W, I love Country Rock bands like the Eagles, the Jayhawks and Gram Parsons, bit of Kenny Rogers even. K seemed as enthusiastic too, especially when she saw Dolly Parton on it! So a decision was reached for me to order it on the phone there and then. It was just gone 4.30am. I dialled…and I was then PLACED IN A QUEUE!...AT 4.35AM!...I was placated by the woman telling me how important my call was to them etc etc etc. And when I finally got through I was told they couldn’t process my order as their systems had crashed, however they would ring me back in five minutes..I haven’t heard from them since…it obviously wasn’t meant to be.Shame, but then the Box Set probably didnt include these great C&W Songs...
- Get Off the Table, Mabel (the $2 is for the Beer)
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
- If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
...they dont write them like that anymore..
Yours,
Hank 'the twang's the thang' Phillips
20th January 2011
Hey ho, nearly the weekend again, and I have been busy polishing my mojo for it. Well, it’s all happening in the celeb news this week! Apparently David ‘Becks’ Beckham hasn’t stopped crying over his and Posh’s baby news, Katie says she had to get rid of Alex because the fame went to his head (pot, kettle, black), and Britain’s Got Talent auditions have started (amazing what people will do for Celebrity Whoredom). Myself? I couldn’t give a monkeys about any of them, I am however considering an expose on my relationship with all five members of The Saturdays when my first book is ready for publication. Maybe then I’ll get my own Chat show, or reality TV show..with Kerry Katona…and Vanessa Feltz…..and Chris Biggins.
Anyway, talking of Writing, I have joined a couple of Writers groups on-line this week, which provides a forum for exchanging experiences and ideas etc. I also finished a short story, entered it into an online competition, and wrote another chapter of the aforementioned book. I am still working with my friend Danny on a couple of ideas also.
I have recently been using a Website called Smashwords (http://www.smashwords.com/) which hosts a large selection of Electronic Books written by new Authors. It’s a pretty good site where you can download books in a myriad of styles either for free or for a nominal sum. I believe you can download to the Kindle from there also (not that I have a Kindle!). The site also allows Writers to upload their own unpublished works to either sell or give away. ‘E Publishing’ definitely seems to be the way things are going, although I don’t think its quite the same as perusing around Bookshops myself . But then I can be a bit of a luddite when the occasion calls.
I like this next one, on this day in 1992 Nigel Hayward was jailed in Bath for 6 years after holding up a Bank with a banana. Rumours that he was going to ‘a-peel’ were denied.
And on that note I’ll finish
Much love and kisses
The Attention Junkie
18th January 2011
Tuesday….should be happier today, the day after Monday…and ‘Blue’ Monday at that! But I’m feeling extremely ‘arsey’ today. Maybe this has been brought on by a discussion I had last night regarding the dropping of ones tolerance levels as one gets older. This came to light on a train yesterday morning. Now before I go any further, let me just state that I was not asking the impossible here. All I did was request a bar of chocolate and a drink from the guy with the trolley. He took one look at the £10 note in my hand and told me he ‘ain’t accepting a note that big’. ‘But it’s a tenner’ I thought to myself, ‘not the reserves of Fort Knox, not the contents of Roman Abramovich's wallet!’ You can imagine my delight as he turned and walked away with his trolley. He was lucky he wasn’t wearing the damn thing around his head. But that wasn’t the significant moment, oh no! The defining seconds came as he walked away. I slowly put the offending tenner in my pocket, whilst remaining on my feet, and staring at him as he wended his merry way through the carriage. And then I began to openly swear at him, little one syllable words of abuse. I thank the Lord he was obviously deaf, however, the people sat around me weren’t! The more I thought about it, the more embarrassed I got. I discussed this episode with a friend last night. An old friend at that, we have known each other for some years. I consider him a mild tempered gentleman, he really is the epitome of good manners. However he disclosed secrets to me, evil thoughts that he harboured, especially when at train stations. Moments when little old ladies try and jump the queue for trains, moments when he feels impelled to trip them up as they walk by. It gets to us all I suppose!
Which brings me on to Ricky Gervais. He has certainly filled some column inches hasn’t he? The question is, was this all just tongue-in-cheek mirth making that went a step too far? Or had he decided to bring a flame thrower to breasts of the silicon world that is Tinseltown. I personally hope it was some kind of attempt to deconstruct the whole Hollywood Myth, for Gervais to be taking them all apart as Public Enemy’s ‘Burn Hollywood Burn’ played in the background, but I don’t think it was like that. Damn shame though…
On this day..
1903 President Theodore Roosevelt sends a radio message to King Edward VII: the first transatlantic radio transmission originating in the United States. And to think now we just open Microsoft Outlook and send a mail!
1998 The Monica Lewinsky scandal: Matt Drudge breaks the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair story on his website The Drudge Report. Clinton didn’t realise that he might blow his job (ok ok, it’s a cheap gag) getting involved with her.
I like this next one..
1993 Disney cartoon characters Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck were banned from Yugoslav newspapers because of United Nations sanctions.
Crazy world, beautiful people!
Yours…
The Attention Junkie
16th January 2011
Ah, the weekend! On miserable wet Sundays like this I need music to keep me sane. And a much loved lyric which goes:
FRIDAY OR SATURDAY, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
SHORT SPACE OF TIME NEEDS A HEAVY SCENE
MONDAY IS COMING LIKE A JAIL ON WHEELS
48 HOURS NEEDS 48 THRILLS
Thanks to Strummer and Jones for that one. Well it’s been different. Went to see the Kings Speech on Friday night, and this morning I finally got around to watching Harry Brown. Both great in their own right, and British made too. Colin Firth was outstanding and, whilst I know he has his critics, Michael Caine was worth the admission fee alone in Harry Brown. He is undoubtedly the Guv’nor of the British Film Industry. Nice to see that despite the fact the country is falling apart around our ears there are still some things of quality being produced. We decided to make use of ‘The Gallery’ at the cinema. Basically you pay twice as much for your ticket in order to have free popcorn (enough to feed a small army), and soft drinks. This is a nice idea, except I hate popcorn, and try to avoid ‘soft drinks’ (brings me out in a rash…honest). The second part of the deal is that you get a nice comfy armchair to watch the movie from. Good idea, except there is a tendency to nod off whilst watching the film. Either way it was enjoyable but not something I would choose every time I go to the flicks (I think I should point out here that Friday was the first time I have been to the cinema in seven years!).
Moving on, I notice since I started this is that I refer to the weather a lot (see I just did it again!). Does this mean I am quintessentially British? We do have a knack for it don’t we? So here’s the latest. It’s bloody raining. Forecast over.
Last night produced a surreal moment. Some friends called around, there were several libations involved, which culminated in our visitors nicking my clean underwear off the heaters and wearing them on the outside of their jeans. It took me an hour to notice. Damn that demon drink!
Not a lot else happening, or as K (my beloved) would say, its ‘all quiet’. Still, tomorrow’s Monday…just another day in paradise.
Ciao
14th January 2011
It’s Friday!! – and another weekend beckons. I heard something quite funny last night. It turns out that in the lead up to Christmas, Record Companies called for a ban on whistling as it was an infringement on copyright. A spokesman for one leading Record Company complained that they were losing billions due to people being allowed to whistle. When Frank Sinatra was alive he was forced to sell three boats as he was not allowed to collect royalties on old men whistling Strangers In The Night. Considerations are now being discussed to levy a charge of 99p on people whistling or part whistling well known tunes. Failure to comply will lead to the offender being served a whistling ban. Failure to obey the ban will result in their having their lips stapled together. A spokesman for a world famous animated cartoon and film maker (I’ll give you a clue..Mickey Mouse) said ‘Lets make this clear, if you whistle while you work we will make your life a nightmare’. I don’t know if any of this is true or if someone is pulling my chain?
Currently reading the excellent Keith Richards Autobiography ‘Life’. Great story of a true Rocker. My favourite ‘Keef’ quote? On denying he had a drug problem he once remarked, “I’ve never turned blue in someone’s bathroom, I mean, I consider that the height of bad manners”
Moving on, I watched yesterday mornings weather forecast on BBC1 with much interest. It seemed that there were six British rivers on flood alert. The Weather man (I didn’t note his name, but I am sure he is very good anyway) then gave a lovely Weather presentation, showing us what rain looks like as it sweeps across the map, and apparently white fluffy shapes are clouds for the uninitiated. However, imagine my disappointment when he concluded his part of the mornings entertainment without mentioning which Rivers were on flood alert? I began to think that maybe viewers were meant to guess? Was it some sort of new phone in competition? I have to say it had me in a state of confusion not experienced since I saw The Matrix.
Finally, for all you football fans out there whose team may not be doing so well at the moment. On this day in 1983, 35 yr old Sheffield Wednesday fan Robert Montgomery claimed that his team played so badly in an FA Cup replay that they contravened the Trade Descriptions Act. He took his case to the South Yorkshire Consumer Protection Department in an attempt to get his entrance fee back. I am guessing he didn’t win his case! But maybe this is the way we need to go Footy people!
TTFN
12th January 2011
Here we are then, getting well into that working groove again. It’s good to be back, it really is ( I hope my sarcasm is coming across here). I was in a Spar Supermarket last night (great shops I have to say) and got a Valentines Card, Easter Eggs, Sun Tan Lotion, and some Fireworks, so Christmas here I come!!! I also spent last night in the village of Whalley in Lancashire. Interesting place, the first ‘Roses’ Cricket match was played there, and Witches were ‘floated’ there in the times of James I (that particular ritual must be due a return surely?). Whalley is also home to a huge scandal, when in the ‘60’s the Co-op, a furniture shop, shoe shop and cinema all went bankrupt. Small fry by today’s standards of course. Now, where did I find this out I hear you ask? Why Wikipedia of course. But then I wondered how accurate Wikipedia was. So I Googled it, but mistyped the query and ended up getting ‘How accurate is the Weather’. Not what I intended, but nevertheless, an interesting website. It would appear that the BBC averaged around 30-40% accuracy, but this wasn’t what I was after. So I ‘Re-Googled’ the Wikipedia query. But my search was pretty inconclusive really, except I did find this quote…”The reliability of Wikipedia articles is limited by the external sources on which they are supposed to rely, as well as by the ability of Wikipedia's editors to understand those sources correctly and their willingness to use them properly. Therefore, articles may or may not be reliable, and readers should always use their own judgment”. Interesting. Moving on, and its News-time. I read with interest that Sir Elton and his Wife/Husband David have taken on more staff to help with their new Baby…I do wonder about this..It all seems a bit wrong to me, and I really am trying to avoid a ‘soapbox’ type outburst. But I find the whole thing so vulgar, and particularly insensitive to people who have tried without success to have children of their own. However, I am sure there are those that will disagree with me, but they’d be wrong of course! Best headline of the day for me, ‘Drunk Man escorts Goat on a Date’. Apparently a Farmer in Poland felt sorry for his Goat as it seemed lonely. So he took it to a friends Farm to meet a Female Goat. Whilst there the Farmer had a few Vodkas. He then got pulled over by the Police on the way back home. Rumours that the Farmer claims he is living in a Nanny State have yet to be confirmed. Ah well…until next time.
10th January 2011
Feeling a bit factual today, and dug up some interesting stuff whilst on my travels. It would appear that on this very day in 1994 five people in Sheringham, Norfolk, were hurt playing in a friendly match between a Salvation Army team and a team of Church workers! And I thought Cardiff V Swansea games were fraught affairs. I like this next one…on this day in 1985 Sir Clive Sinclair demonstrated his C5 electric car for the first time. Now for those of you who remember this…what the hell was he thinking of?!! This is a good one, it would appear it wasn’t just a case of ‘Not tonight Josephine’, but more ‘not any night Josephine’ as Napoleon and Josephine had their marriage annulled this day in 1810. Tragic, I hear she was a fine looking woman too. And my final favourite, this day in 1840 The Uniform Penny Post came into service. As part of a reform of the Royal Mail, from this day you could pay one penny send mail as long as it didn’t exceed half an ounce in weight. How Amazon offer free delivery on items I’ll never know! You live and learn. Time for a brew I think….
13th December 2010
Mondays, don't you just love them? Anyway, submitted a Short Story to Walesonline today. Called 'Saffia's Tale', I hope it meets the criteria for a Christmas Love Story. The Book idea has taken off now. I have four chapters written and keep thinking of various twists and turns as I go along. You really appreciate the value of a handy notebook or the 'notes' facility on a mobile phone I can tell you!
Until next time
15th November 2010
Had a productive meeting with Danny again. We have a new Sit-Com idea and spent a couple of hours sketching out Characters and Postcard Scripts. I enjoy those sessions, they are so constructive and the imagination gets a nice work out.
25th October 2010
Still no word on the 'Maud' script. I have also recently picked up a fine book by Cardiff's John Williams entitled 'The Prince of Wales'. Superb stuff and quite difficult to put down! My own book idea is still germinating, I'll have to start it soon or its going to be another one of those ideas I do nothing about!
12th October 2010
I have been a naughty boy and been neglecting my Website. So I am endeavouring to update it as and when I can. A bit of excitement in the Phillips Household today. I received a card from the BBC Writers Room confirming that they were giving consideration to the Sit-Com 'Waiting For Maud'. Danny was very pleased when I told him. I think it fair to say we may be having a couple of beers and crossing our fingers with great trepidation. I have submitted a couple of Short Stories of late to some people. Once again its a game of 'Wait and See'. And I have the seeds to a Novel slowly sprouting inside the head.
20th April 2010
Spring seems to be upon us at last. I am currently working on some new stuff, attempting to write within a different genre. I wonder where that'll lead me! Also moving on with the Sit Com I am writing with Danny Bushell. Some may call it a flight of fancy, however I have found it hugely rewarding and loads of fun. I know Danny feels the same. The nice thing for me is that my influences and Danny's are different, as he is some 18 years younger than me! So I can quote greats like Peter Cook and Dudley Moore..and he just looks and says 'who?' I must introduce him to them soon. Also reading Michael Palin's diaries (dont tell him..its rude to read other peoples diaries, I know!). They give a great insight into Comedy Writing. On a serious note, I also have the Great Gatsby and Of Mice and Men sat next to the bed. They're next.
05th February 2010
Been a while since I have been on here. Quite busy at the moment with various other projects on the go. Please check out a new story 'The Book' I have just completed. Meanwhile I am preparing for a weekend of Rugby and a bit of socialising!
14th January 2010
Looks like the snow is on its way at last. Been a bit prolific with the scripts for Facelook Productions over the last couple of days. Danny B and I have been exchanging some good ideas via the wonders of e-mail. Makes me wonder how people managed years ago.
12th January 2010
Cold start today. The forecast is for more heavy snow by this evening (10cm-30cm). That's the whole country immobilised again then (however the Pubs are still open). K may get snowed in at work tonight and tomorrow bless her. She'll not like that! Have written a couple of things for 'Maud' too. More will hopefully be revealed about 'Maud' in time, but its a bit hush hush at the moment. I am attending a 'Maud' Meeting on saturday also. Hopefully progress will be made...speak soon....M
11th January 2010
Its been a funny few weeks. I cant seem to get any sense of routine going at the moment. What with Christmas and New Year now behind us and the Arctic Weather attack on the country. It seems to stay dark all day at the moment. So I concentrate on what I want to achieve this year. I could make a list but we all know lists never get the due attention they deserve! I have to get some more material written for Facelook with Danny B. And we really need to start working on the sit-com we have planned. However I also need to continue work with my series of Short Stories. So much to do!....must keep myself posted on how it goes.....M